Ohhhhh-kay. After my mom called me all worried after reading my last post, I realized that I need to make a few disclaimers:
1. That was not actually one day. It was a composite portrait. All the events did happen, but fortunately for me, not all on the same day. Within maybe three or four days.
2. I wrote it sort of in jest. If I can laugh about the hard stuff, its a lot easier for me to get through. Yes, it has been hard, but I AM able to step back and see things in perspective.
3. Jake is a wonderful husband and father. Do I resent him sometimes? Sure, but I resent everyone who is sleeping while I am awake. He always does everything I ask him too, and then some. I am lucky to have him.
4. What I was trying to say is this: things are hard right now. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes I feel lousy, angry, sad, elated, confident, like a failure, etc. I know its all normal. I felt the same way with Wyatt. Actually a little worse. And things are getting easier. Day by day, little by little, our family is making progress to becoming normal, functioning, and less sleep deprived.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A Day in the Life of a Crazy, Hormone-Imbalanced, 2-Week Postpartum Mother
Everyone keeps asking me how things are going, how I’m doing, how’s the baby, etc., etc. It just depends on when you ask me. If I am talking to you on the phone or see you out of the house, chances are I will say that things are great, I am feeling good, and that’s the truth. Because at that moment, that is really how I feel. I don’t pick up the phone or go in public when I am a sniveling mess, banging my head against the wall, begging my children to stop crying. Postpartum life is a crazy, CRAZY ride. Sometimes I feel like I am the best mom ever, I’ve got this 2 kids thing down easy, and other times I can’t stop crying and wondering why oh WHY did I decide to have another child? So here is my honest and complete answer to the previous questions: I think I am bi-polar, and I think you will agree with me after reading this.
5:30 am Micah is crying. Neither one of us slept for more than an hour at a time, and I am so tired and frustrated from our night together that I bring him in bed and let him nurse while we both sleep. I start worrying about how I am teaching him bad lessons by letting him do this, but then I nod off.
8:30 am Micah AND Wyatt are crying. Awesome. Micah is crying because he is…I don’t really know why he is crying actually. Wyatt is in time out because he removed his diaper and peed everywhere. Again. As for me, I’m too tired and annoyed to cry right now.
11:00 am Micah won’t stop fussing long enough to fall asleep. I think he’s okay, so I put him down, 30 seconds later, he’s awake again. We’ve been doing this for 2 hours now. I finally get him settled, and go check on Wyatt. He has found the light bulbs and shattered one on the tile. He has dumped four toys in the toilet, and I am not sure where he is at the moment. I find him, put him in time out, and go to clean up. The doorbell rings. Crap. I’m in my underwear, on my hands and knees picking up glass. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I quietly walk to the door and peek through the hole. Solicitor. Good. He won’t be upset if I don’t answer the door. However, the ringing of the doorbell reminds me of how disgusting I am right now. How pathetic it is that I am still in my underwear and haven’t brushed my teeth. I start feeling guilty that Wyatt has spent half the morning in time out. I’m a bad mom because I can’t get Micah to sleep longer than 30 seconds. Micah isn’t gaining enough weight. I’m not losing enough weight. My incision hurts. My hair hasn’t been washed in days. The floors are filthy (now that I am getting an up close look at them)…and then, the crying starts. The floodgates open, and the tears flow. I am sitting in my underwear on the tile, sobbing. I hear Micah start crying in his room. Wyatt is yelling from his room. What was I thinking? Why did I think I wanted another child? OhmygoshIcan’tbelieveIevenhadthathorriblethought! What kind of mom am I?! I know I need to pull it together and get off the floor and rescue my children, but I just can’t stop crying right now.
2:30 pm Both kids are asleep. Hallelujah. I have somehow managed to take a shower and put on deodorant. I finally brush my teeth and get the kitchen cleaned up and the bed made. I check email and return phone calls. I go check on Micah, sleeping soundly, making little smiles and funny faces in his sleep. It melts my heart. He really is so adorable. What a sweet little baby. A little while later he wakes up to nurse. I really do love nursing. I love being able to hold my baby and feel so close. I love having the excuse to just stare at him and love him. I can’t believe I am so lucky to have two such sweet, adorable sons.
5:30 pm Micah has been an angel. After our nurse, we played together, sang songs, cuddled, and then he quickly and easily settled himself down to sleep. Just like the baby whisperer said he would if I just stick to the routine. Wyatt is awake, playing outside. I CAN do this. I’ve got it all under control. This isn’t as bad as I thought. I was totally overreacting this morning. This is easy. Just stick to the routine. I decide to make dinner and then realize we don’t have any groceries. That was on the list of things to do today. There were only two things on the list. Take a shower. Go to the market. I only got one done. Hmm. Jake will be home soon and then I can run out to the store for dinner.
7:00 pm Jake’s not home yet. Wyatt is crying. Micah has been on a non-stop nurse for the last hour, and when I think he is done and try to remove him, he wails. Jake finally shows up, on his phone (something work-related of course). I ask him to figure something out for dinner. He puts in a frozen pizza. I ask him to please take care of Wyatt. Still on the phone, he picks up Wyatt, which seems to instantly console him. Whatever works. When he gets off the phone, I tell him I need to go to the grocery store after Micah is done nursing, and to please get Wyatt to bed tonight, because I need a break.
9:00 pm Jake got Wyatt to bed. I am still nursing. Back and forth. Left to right to left again. This never ending nurse is driving me crazy and starting to hurt. Its not supposed to take this long! I notice Micah isn’t nursing after all, just pacifying. Okay, that means he needs to go to sleep. I pull him off, get him swaddled, put a paci in his mouth, and he starts to drift off. I get my shoes on so I can go to the store. Micah wakes up crying. Okay. We start the whole thing over. I put him down, he drifts off, 2 minutes later, crying. We do this until for an hour. Jake tells me he is going to bed. He has had a long day, and he is EXHAUSTED. I’m still working on Micah. The market will have to wait until tomorrow.
12:00 am Still can’t get Micah to sleep. Once again, I’m crying. This time, in the dark, quietly as possible so I don’t disturb anyone in the house. I’m so angry. Why am I the one up? Why does Jake get to sleep through all this? Just because I am the feeder doesn’t mean I have to do all of it by myself! I am really getting myself worked up, mad as a wet hen, frustrated out of my mind, and SO TIRED!
5:30 am Micah makes little kitten noises from his room. He finally fell asleep after 1, so he slept for…4 ½ hours?? Wow! What a good boy! I can’t believe he slept that long! We are finally turning a corner! I feel so good from my marathon sleep session. I nurse him in his room, without taking him to bed with me, resolved to do a better job of not letting him sleep in my bed. See how well it worked last night? It just takes dedication and patience after all!
7:30 am I wake up as Jake is leaving for work. He asks how last night went. I forget about the tears and anger and frustration from the night before. “Great. He slept for 4 ½ hours!” Which means I have had maybe 5 hours, but I feel good, rejuvenated. Jake asks me what my plans are for the day. “Take a shower and go to the market,” I tell him. I hear Wyatt waking up in his bedroom, and go get breakfast started.
5:30 am Micah is crying. Neither one of us slept for more than an hour at a time, and I am so tired and frustrated from our night together that I bring him in bed and let him nurse while we both sleep. I start worrying about how I am teaching him bad lessons by letting him do this, but then I nod off.
8:30 am Micah AND Wyatt are crying. Awesome. Micah is crying because he is…I don’t really know why he is crying actually. Wyatt is in time out because he removed his diaper and peed everywhere. Again. As for me, I’m too tired and annoyed to cry right now.
11:00 am Micah won’t stop fussing long enough to fall asleep. I think he’s okay, so I put him down, 30 seconds later, he’s awake again. We’ve been doing this for 2 hours now. I finally get him settled, and go check on Wyatt. He has found the light bulbs and shattered one on the tile. He has dumped four toys in the toilet, and I am not sure where he is at the moment. I find him, put him in time out, and go to clean up. The doorbell rings. Crap. I’m in my underwear, on my hands and knees picking up glass. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I quietly walk to the door and peek through the hole. Solicitor. Good. He won’t be upset if I don’t answer the door. However, the ringing of the doorbell reminds me of how disgusting I am right now. How pathetic it is that I am still in my underwear and haven’t brushed my teeth. I start feeling guilty that Wyatt has spent half the morning in time out. I’m a bad mom because I can’t get Micah to sleep longer than 30 seconds. Micah isn’t gaining enough weight. I’m not losing enough weight. My incision hurts. My hair hasn’t been washed in days. The floors are filthy (now that I am getting an up close look at them)…and then, the crying starts. The floodgates open, and the tears flow. I am sitting in my underwear on the tile, sobbing. I hear Micah start crying in his room. Wyatt is yelling from his room. What was I thinking? Why did I think I wanted another child? OhmygoshIcan’tbelieveIevenhadthathorriblethought! What kind of mom am I?! I know I need to pull it together and get off the floor and rescue my children, but I just can’t stop crying right now.
2:30 pm Both kids are asleep. Hallelujah. I have somehow managed to take a shower and put on deodorant. I finally brush my teeth and get the kitchen cleaned up and the bed made. I check email and return phone calls. I go check on Micah, sleeping soundly, making little smiles and funny faces in his sleep. It melts my heart. He really is so adorable. What a sweet little baby. A little while later he wakes up to nurse. I really do love nursing. I love being able to hold my baby and feel so close. I love having the excuse to just stare at him and love him. I can’t believe I am so lucky to have two such sweet, adorable sons.
5:30 pm Micah has been an angel. After our nurse, we played together, sang songs, cuddled, and then he quickly and easily settled himself down to sleep. Just like the baby whisperer said he would if I just stick to the routine. Wyatt is awake, playing outside. I CAN do this. I’ve got it all under control. This isn’t as bad as I thought. I was totally overreacting this morning. This is easy. Just stick to the routine. I decide to make dinner and then realize we don’t have any groceries. That was on the list of things to do today. There were only two things on the list. Take a shower. Go to the market. I only got one done. Hmm. Jake will be home soon and then I can run out to the store for dinner.
7:00 pm Jake’s not home yet. Wyatt is crying. Micah has been on a non-stop nurse for the last hour, and when I think he is done and try to remove him, he wails. Jake finally shows up, on his phone (something work-related of course). I ask him to figure something out for dinner. He puts in a frozen pizza. I ask him to please take care of Wyatt. Still on the phone, he picks up Wyatt, which seems to instantly console him. Whatever works. When he gets off the phone, I tell him I need to go to the grocery store after Micah is done nursing, and to please get Wyatt to bed tonight, because I need a break.
9:00 pm Jake got Wyatt to bed. I am still nursing. Back and forth. Left to right to left again. This never ending nurse is driving me crazy and starting to hurt. Its not supposed to take this long! I notice Micah isn’t nursing after all, just pacifying. Okay, that means he needs to go to sleep. I pull him off, get him swaddled, put a paci in his mouth, and he starts to drift off. I get my shoes on so I can go to the store. Micah wakes up crying. Okay. We start the whole thing over. I put him down, he drifts off, 2 minutes later, crying. We do this until for an hour. Jake tells me he is going to bed. He has had a long day, and he is EXHAUSTED. I’m still working on Micah. The market will have to wait until tomorrow.
12:00 am Still can’t get Micah to sleep. Once again, I’m crying. This time, in the dark, quietly as possible so I don’t disturb anyone in the house. I’m so angry. Why am I the one up? Why does Jake get to sleep through all this? Just because I am the feeder doesn’t mean I have to do all of it by myself! I am really getting myself worked up, mad as a wet hen, frustrated out of my mind, and SO TIRED!
5:30 am Micah makes little kitten noises from his room. He finally fell asleep after 1, so he slept for…4 ½ hours?? Wow! What a good boy! I can’t believe he slept that long! We are finally turning a corner! I feel so good from my marathon sleep session. I nurse him in his room, without taking him to bed with me, resolved to do a better job of not letting him sleep in my bed. See how well it worked last night? It just takes dedication and patience after all!
7:30 am I wake up as Jake is leaving for work. He asks how last night went. I forget about the tears and anger and frustration from the night before. “Great. He slept for 4 ½ hours!” Which means I have had maybe 5 hours, but I feel good, rejuvenated. Jake asks me what my plans are for the day. “Take a shower and go to the market,” I tell him. I hear Wyatt waking up in his bedroom, and go get breakfast started.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Welcome to the world, baby boy!
He's finally here! Sorry it took me so long to get on the computer and post this, you all understand why. I've been a wee bit busy the last few days.
Micah is here! What a cutie pie! The delivery went really well, no stress, over in less than an hour. Night and day difference from my first. I actually got to enjoy the delivery! I'll be honest, I was still a little freaked out, but it went so smoothly. I am so thankful for answered prayers and blessings. Anyway, Micah Daniel Beaman was born at 12:48 on July 13, coming in at 8 pounds even, 21 inches. TONS of hair. I thought Wyatt had a lot of hair. Micah wins that contest. Its funny, when I would have my twice weekly ultrasounds, the tech would comment on one of two things. One- your kid has a LOT of hair. Two- every time we look at this kid, he is sucking on his hand! She was right on both counts! Micah loves sucking on fingers, hands, whatever lands in there, immediately gets sucked on. So cute!
My recovery is going very well, able to get around much easier this time. I was able to start walking the next day, without too much pain, and things have been getting rapidly better from there. Micah is having some minor feeding problems, which is weird since he loves to suck. I guess thats the problem, he likes to suck, but not actually eat. So we nurse for 80% of the day, but he isn't getting much down. Uncomfortable for me, but things are getting better. I got some sleep for the first time last night, so I am feeling better as well.
OK, here are the pictures. We can't figure out who he looks like, it will take a little longer to figure his looks out.
I love the chub! What cute fat cheeks!
Wyatt is a little ambivalent about his new brother. Not a huge fan, but so far, no injuries.
OK, mom, smile and say "I love morphine!"
Proud papa!
I love this guy! We are so glad to have him in our family. We love you Micah! Thanks everyone for your calls, emails, texts, prayers, fasting. We are so thankful for our wonderful friends and family and the loving support you give us!!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The baby is coming! The baby is coming!
Tomorrow at noon Micah is making his big debut! I'm a little (hah!) nervous, but mostly really excited to meet my son! I will post pictures of Micah as soon as I can. Wish me luck!
Bye-bye baby belly, hello baby!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Updates
Okay, so I am feeling pretty good right now. I had a wonderful massage today (thank you for the birthday present Susie!), and Jake had the day off, so for lunch we went to an all-you-can-eat fajita buffet at El Torito. Let's just say I got my money's worth. What more could a pregnant woman ask for?
We can start moving into our new house (rental) tonight, hopefully we can get all moved in by the end of the weekend. I wish it wasn't so hot. Not for my sake, because let's be honest, I will not be contributing much to the moving labor, but I feel bad for Jake. And for everyone else we roped in to helping us on Saturday.
I found out earlier this week that my delivery date has been pushed back a few days, so now I am scheduled for July 13th. At first I was mad because that meant five more days of carrying this little space heater around. But I am happy about it now. The baby is doing really well, so there is no need to deliver early. Plus, it gives me five more days to unpack and get everything set up in our new place. And I am feeling pretty good. I'm really getting excited about everything.
Happy fourth of July everyone! I hope you all will enjoy your barbecued hot dogs, baked beans, potato salad and watermelon as much as I know I will! The fourth of July is my favorite holiday hands down (what's not to love? Swimming, eating, fireworks...no emotional baggage or expectations. Just fun!). I look forward to it all year. Have a happy and safe holiday!
We can start moving into our new house (rental) tonight, hopefully we can get all moved in by the end of the weekend. I wish it wasn't so hot. Not for my sake, because let's be honest, I will not be contributing much to the moving labor, but I feel bad for Jake. And for everyone else we roped in to helping us on Saturday.
I found out earlier this week that my delivery date has been pushed back a few days, so now I am scheduled for July 13th. At first I was mad because that meant five more days of carrying this little space heater around. But I am happy about it now. The baby is doing really well, so there is no need to deliver early. Plus, it gives me five more days to unpack and get everything set up in our new place. And I am feeling pretty good. I'm really getting excited about everything.
Happy fourth of July everyone! I hope you all will enjoy your barbecued hot dogs, baked beans, potato salad and watermelon as much as I know I will! The fourth of July is my favorite holiday hands down (what's not to love? Swimming, eating, fireworks...no emotional baggage or expectations. Just fun!). I look forward to it all year. Have a happy and safe holiday!
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