Everyone keeps asking me how things are going, how I’m doing, how’s the baby, etc., etc. It just depends on when you ask me. If I am talking to you on the phone or see you out of the house, chances are I will say that things are great, I am feeling good, and that’s the truth. Because at that moment, that is really how I feel. I don’t pick up the phone or go in public when I am a sniveling mess, banging my head against the wall, begging my children to stop crying. Postpartum life is a crazy, CRAZY ride. Sometimes I feel like I am the best mom ever, I’ve got this 2 kids thing down easy, and other times I can’t stop crying and wondering why oh WHY did I decide to have another child? So here is my honest and complete answer to the previous questions: I think I am bi-polar, and I think you will agree with me after reading this.
5:30 am Micah is crying. Neither one of us slept for more than an hour at a time, and I am so tired and frustrated from our night together that I bring him in bed and let him nurse while we both sleep. I start worrying about how I am teaching him bad lessons by letting him do this, but then I nod off.
8:30 am Micah AND Wyatt are crying. Awesome. Micah is crying because he is…I don’t really know why he is crying actually. Wyatt is in time out because he removed his diaper and peed everywhere. Again. As for me, I’m too tired and annoyed to cry right now.
11:00 am Micah won’t stop fussing long enough to fall asleep. I think he’s okay, so I put him down, 30 seconds later, he’s awake again. We’ve been doing this for 2 hours now. I finally get him settled, and go check on Wyatt. He has found the light bulbs and shattered one on the tile. He has dumped four toys in the toilet, and I am not sure where he is at the moment. I find him, put him in time out, and go to clean up. The doorbell rings. Crap. I’m in my underwear, on my hands and knees picking up glass. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I quietly walk to the door and peek through the hole. Solicitor. Good. He won’t be upset if I don’t answer the door. However, the ringing of the doorbell reminds me of how disgusting I am right now. How pathetic it is that I am still in my underwear and haven’t brushed my teeth. I start feeling guilty that Wyatt has spent half the morning in time out. I’m a bad mom because I can’t get Micah to sleep longer than 30 seconds. Micah isn’t gaining enough weight. I’m not losing enough weight. My incision hurts. My hair hasn’t been washed in days. The floors are filthy (now that I am getting an up close look at them)…and then, the crying starts. The floodgates open, and the tears flow. I am sitting in my underwear on the tile, sobbing. I hear Micah start crying in his room. Wyatt is yelling from his room. What was I thinking? Why did I think I wanted another child? OhmygoshIcan’tbelieveIevenhadthathorriblethought! What kind of mom am I?! I know I need to pull it together and get off the floor and rescue my children, but I just can’t stop crying right now.
2:30 pm Both kids are asleep. Hallelujah. I have somehow managed to take a shower and put on deodorant. I finally brush my teeth and get the kitchen cleaned up and the bed made. I check email and return phone calls. I go check on Micah, sleeping soundly, making little smiles and funny faces in his sleep. It melts my heart. He really is so adorable. What a sweet little baby. A little while later he wakes up to nurse. I really do love nursing. I love being able to hold my baby and feel so close. I love having the excuse to just stare at him and love him. I can’t believe I am so lucky to have two such sweet, adorable sons.
5:30 pm Micah has been an angel. After our nurse, we played together, sang songs, cuddled, and then he quickly and easily settled himself down to sleep. Just like the baby whisperer said he would if I just stick to the routine. Wyatt is awake, playing outside. I CAN do this. I’ve got it all under control. This isn’t as bad as I thought. I was totally overreacting this morning. This is easy. Just stick to the routine. I decide to make dinner and then realize we don’t have any groceries. That was on the list of things to do today. There were only two things on the list. Take a shower. Go to the market. I only got one done. Hmm. Jake will be home soon and then I can run out to the store for dinner.
7:00 pm Jake’s not home yet. Wyatt is crying. Micah has been on a non-stop nurse for the last hour, and when I think he is done and try to remove him, he wails. Jake finally shows up, on his phone (something work-related of course). I ask him to figure something out for dinner. He puts in a frozen pizza. I ask him to please take care of Wyatt. Still on the phone, he picks up Wyatt, which seems to instantly console him. Whatever works. When he gets off the phone, I tell him I need to go to the grocery store after Micah is done nursing, and to please get Wyatt to bed tonight, because I need a break.
9:00 pm Jake got Wyatt to bed. I am still nursing. Back and forth. Left to right to left again. This never ending nurse is driving me crazy and starting to hurt. Its not supposed to take this long! I notice Micah isn’t nursing after all, just pacifying. Okay, that means he needs to go to sleep. I pull him off, get him swaddled, put a paci in his mouth, and he starts to drift off. I get my shoes on so I can go to the store. Micah wakes up crying. Okay. We start the whole thing over. I put him down, he drifts off, 2 minutes later, crying. We do this until for an hour. Jake tells me he is going to bed. He has had a long day, and he is EXHAUSTED. I’m still working on Micah. The market will have to wait until tomorrow.
12:00 am Still can’t get Micah to sleep. Once again, I’m crying. This time, in the dark, quietly as possible so I don’t disturb anyone in the house. I’m so angry. Why am I the one up? Why does Jake get to sleep through all this? Just because I am the feeder doesn’t mean I have to do all of it by myself! I am really getting myself worked up, mad as a wet hen, frustrated out of my mind, and SO TIRED!
5:30 am Micah makes little kitten noises from his room. He finally fell asleep after 1, so he slept for…4 ½ hours?? Wow! What a good boy! I can’t believe he slept that long! We are finally turning a corner! I feel so good from my marathon sleep session. I nurse him in his room, without taking him to bed with me, resolved to do a better job of not letting him sleep in my bed. See how well it worked last night? It just takes dedication and patience after all!
7:30 am I wake up as Jake is leaving for work. He asks how last night went. I forget about the tears and anger and frustration from the night before. “Great. He slept for 4 ½ hours!” Which means I have had maybe 5 hours, but I feel good, rejuvenated. Jake asks me what my plans are for the day. “Take a shower and go to the market,” I tell him. I hear Wyatt waking up in his bedroom, and go get breakfast started.
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6 comments:
oh sweetie, i understand that far too well. you're not alone, and you're not bi-polar. not unless we both are. i have SO been there. and recently. it's all very clear. especially the feeling like a crap mother. it's so hard to get a groove, and i'm still working on it, but it does get better! andersen is finally using the potty again most of the time. big progress being made. hang in there. i love you!!!
Wow, that sounds like many days I've had after having a new baby. At least you're not swearing in the middle of the night like I do sometimes! If Brian was ever awake to hear me he'd think I'm crazy. I'm am a huge believer in nursing and with that comes no sleep for me. Hang in there, it gets better every day.
Hi Erin! Don't worry, you're not a nutjob. In fact, you're doing a GREAT job! (did you like that clever little play on words?) Really, you are doing great. Don't worry about Wyatt being in timeout--Gavin spent like 2 years straight in timeout and look at him now! Well, don't, but anyway, some timeouts never hurt anyone. Just remember, you're not alone: I have had many, many days like these and I have lived to tell the tale, and you will too! No doubt you're a wonderful mommy. Thanks for sharing these funny (okay, funny to us) stories and snuggle that newborn (when he's not screaming in your face) because lately I sure do miss having one around. Thinking of you!
My heart goes out to you, but honestly these stories are hilarious because I have been there too. It sucks to be the mom of two (or in Aubri and Shalyce's case 4 - remember them?). It is also the most amazing experience to be a mom. I can recall several times when the baby cried, then the other kid cried then I cried. Ash is right, it only gets better. Plus, your kids will become teenagers, you'll have worse problems to deal with and you'll wish you could go back to those sleepless newborn nights. You are in my prayers!
Isn't it therapeutic to write it all down? I'm glad you wrote in the perspective of daylight hours rather than midnight, when all hope and reality are gone. You are awesome Erin, you can do it! You ARE doing it. I love you!
SERIOUSLY! Amen. That's how it is for all of us so feel normal :)
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